Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
You Might Also Like
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers