[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this