addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
You Might Also Like
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.