My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
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Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.