Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
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The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Breaking news:
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Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.