Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
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Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.