Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
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[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
become ungovernable
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
ibopfufen
How does one answer this?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
honestly, i need both: