How does one answer this?
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day