Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
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I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Fidel Castro was alive?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.