Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
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I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”