Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
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guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot