I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
You Might Also Like
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.