once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
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Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
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Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me: