Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
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I like to take long walks away from stupid people
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
This is what makes twitter great
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.