I like to take long walks away from stupid people
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Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?