my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
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The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.