I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
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The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
the official breakfast of 2021
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple