90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
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“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
#Caturday
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off