“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
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My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Don’t tell me what to do
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.