Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
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Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.