If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
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Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.