*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
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dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Feel. He’s so soft.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
He wanted to make sure😂
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Sounds like a bargain
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.