The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
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[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
what’s more important?
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
men are simple creatures
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
HERE’S MARKY
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what