I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Children of the corn 🌽
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.