Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
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Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
not for long