this is me
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Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.