My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
*watches the world burn*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.