DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
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[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks