Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
You Might Also Like
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.