Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
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*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious