Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
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You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
damn he’s good
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
anyone else like Italian cereal
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?