3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
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I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.