I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
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If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe