Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
i wish i could marry a nap
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Sing it!
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”