Sing it!
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Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.