Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
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How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Potatoes were such a good idea
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar