ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge