Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
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Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.