Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

A man of commitment.