Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
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i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?