INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
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Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Still cracks me up
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.