QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”