If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
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future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
three things we don’t talk about
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
#NeverForget
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Guantanamo Bae
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
#parenting
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.