even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
You Might Also Like
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*