[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Me :
All Day At Night
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
This why you should mind your business
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.