Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
You Might Also Like
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Thoughts
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Two types of dogs.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Friday
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.