A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.