my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

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“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks


When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”


I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.


“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead


Oh, you’re an early riser?
Have kids?
A farm?
Medical condition?


Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.


Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.


If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.


“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan