“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
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When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan