my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
buys donuts instead
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
All set.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
absolute chaos
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell