Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
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I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Every BBC series about the universe.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.