{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
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Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.