15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
You Might Also Like
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon